I felt it necessary to do this to provide that closure to the last two and a half weeks. Though I wrote about it in my personal journal that Tuesday evening after Michael Jackson's memorial service, I never got around to editing it for our blog so as to eliminate wordiness until now, as I was still raw with deep emotion.
As I said, Michael Jackson's memorial service was on Tuesday, July 7. Micaiah and I watched it on CNN. The service was held at Staple Stadium, where, come to find out, Michael's last rehearsal for the London Tour took place the night before he died. The service began with an old Black spiritual being sung as Michael Jackson's coffin was being brought to the front of Staple Stadium. I don't remember the name of the song, but it was went something like "The King is coming". It was so beautiful and fitting that I almost started to cry. Of course, my eyes welled up with tears when his coffin was finally placed in front of the stage because it was the moment of finality. There were various speeches and performances. One particular speech was the one Reverend Al Sharpton made. To Michael's children, Al said something like, "The public said that your daddy was strange, but it was what your daddy had to deal with from the public that was strange." Yes, Reverend Al Sharpton did join in on making negative statements about Michael during Michael's trial, but what he said at his memorial service was perfect and couldn't have been said better. As the audience clapped, I stretched my arms out as if to hug Al. Marriah Carey performed I'll Be There at the beginning after the first speech following the placement of Michael's coffin. Because she was so choked up, she could barely get her voice to carry, but she got through it and her voice got better as she sang. The outstanding performance was Jennifer Hudson singing Will You Be There, which was a song from the Free Willie soundtrack. There's nobody who can do it as well as Michael did, but Jennifer was as close as you could get in her expressing the energy Michael did in the actual song. Then, there was a performance done by a little boy who was about ten or twelve years old. Not only did he sound like a Michael Jackson reborn, but come to find out at the conclusion of the service, the youngster was scheduled to appear with Michael in the London Tour. As this youngster sang, I could hear, feel and see Michael's spirit in him. There'll never be another Michael Jackson, but this youngster, though White, was as close as you could get. Hip-hop singer Usher also performed a song that he wrote in tribute to Michael. Unfortunately, Usher couldn't sing the whole song because he fell apart in tears. It was really heart-wrenching. Other performances and speeches were by Lionel Richie, Queen Latifa, and a Congresswoman who was part of the Black caucuses. The black Caucus is trying to push through a resolution in honor of Michael Jackson, which, unfortunately, has to be discussed on the House floor. Since the House is primarily made-up of White conservatives, pushing Resolution 600 may be a hurdle. If it does pass, it'll only be out of sympathy and public outcry from fans who know or hear about Resolution 600. At the conclusion of the service, before the pastor's concluding speech and prayer, the artists who performed sang We Are The World with Lionel Richie in the lead. Of course, the performance could never be repeated exactly in the same manner as the original performance back in 1985, but they did well with it. The performance of We Are The World was followed with children up on stage singing Heal The World. I remember when I first heard that song back in 1993 as if it was just yesterday or today. I had my radio playing while I was cleaning my apartment when Heal The World came on. I hadn't planned to pay much attention to the song, as the radio station was playing a bunch of garbage beforehand. Then I heard that Michael Jackson was singing. The next thing I knew, I was listening to every word. I'd never heard it before, but it touched my heart in the same way We Are The World did that I cried. In fact, the song reminded me of We Are The World. I knew that I couldn't afford the album it was on, but I was determined that I was going to, at least, buy the single. When I heard Heal The World, it had been eight years since I'd heard something as beautiful, like We Are The World. To this day, I cry a little from time to time when I hear Heal The World, but that Tuesday, July 7, I cried like never before when they performed it. I was crying so uncontrollably that I couldn't focus on just listening to the performance. I knew the words by heart, but I could barely hear them through my uncontrollable sobbing. Not only does the song touch my heart every time, but the true reality of the Michael Jackson era having ended--all the humanitarian things he did through his music and action, which was above and beyond what everyone else has done--finally sunk into my core. In fact, a few days after Michael's death, Micaiah and I happened to be talking to somebody who also loved Michael Jackson as much as we do. We exchanged our favorite things about Michael. Micaiah said that he liked everything about Michael; the person we were talking to said that her favorite was his dancing; and I, not really knowing what to pick since I, too, loved everything about him, picked the humanitarian things he did through his music and actions as my favorite part about Michael. I went onto talking about how there are so many who sing about fixing the world and address the social problems that plague our world in their songs but don't actually go out there to do anything about it. Bono of U2 is one such case. He addressed the problems but didn't go to the places affected. Michael, on the other hand, not only addressed the problems in his songs, but he actually went to the various places that were plagued by the various problems and gave money to help those places. Who could ask for more than what Michael did? Anyway, in my mind, Heal The World is like a We Are The World Part II, so it was fitting that both songs were performed back-to-back at Michael's memorial service. I had regained most of my composure by the time the children's performance ended, but I fell apart when Paris, Michael's daughter, stepped up to the microphone and tried to talk to the public. The most she was able to say was, "I just wanted to say that Michael was the best daddy I've ever had" before she broke into uncontrollable sobbing. She wanted to say a lot more, but she couldn't seem to gather herself together enough to talk. I wanted so much to hold her in my arms. I pictured myself holding her while she and I cried together until we couldn't cry anymore. Sometimes, you can cry yourself out so much to the point that you fall off to sleep. I envisioned me holding her while we cried, both of us falling off to sleep, and me holding her while she slept even if I awoke before she did. I guess you could say that I saw a little bit of me in her--that feeling of being abandoned or being alone in this world with nobody to depend on. Once the service ended and the two-minute interview of Larry King, who was sitting in the third row behind the Jackson family, ended, John stopped recording and we turned off the TV. I was going to play music while John made dinner, but I changed my mind. After the ordeal I went through, I needed it quiet and time to clear my head from all thoughts and emotions.
People cope with loss in different ways. While I seemed to wear my feelings on my sleeves, Micaiah didn't. He felt the same way as I did, but he wasn't' showing it. The other day, we were listening to Michael's songs when John commented on the fact that, on the one hand, it hurt to hear Michael's voice, yet playing his music keeps his spirit alive. He thought that he wasn't making sense, but I fully understood where he was coming from. As long as people like Micaiah and I continue to play his music, he's still alive in our hearts and minds. Not only would his voice still be heard, but his messages would still continue to live and be carried to other people's ears. For two and a half weeks, I've had many sleepless nights, thinking about the end of an era and shedding many tears, and hoping that the many who are currently saying good things about him continue to keep his spirit alive in that way. Yet, I continued to go on daily with business as usual--attending doctor's appointments with Micaiah and doing work around the house or on the computer. When we learned on CNN last Sunday about when Michael Jackson's memorial service would be, Micaiah and I debated on whether or not we really wanted to watch it. We were so pained by the loss that we really weren't sure whether we could take anymore of it. In the end, we decided to watch it. In my case, since we couldn't be there in person, watching it on TV was the next best thing. It also provided a sense of closure for me. I also knew that I would've felt terrible about myself for not having watched it. I'm glad now that we did and that we recorded it. Not only were there the speeches and performances, but there were video clips played to highlight. I don't know when the recording was made or where it came from, but at the end of Jennifer Hudson's performance of Will You Be There, a recording of Michael praying to God was dubbed in. At first, I didn't know who was speaking. As I listened closer, I realized that it was Michael's voice. Needless to say, that sent chills down my spine. Now that the closure has been made via the memorial service, it's now a matter of me accepting that God (G*d) probably took Michael at the right time. Micaiah said a week ago that he felt that G*D took Michael at the right time. I know cognitively that it was the right time, as Michael did all that he could do and all that God put him on this earth to do. Emotionally, on the other hand, it's hard for me to accept that. As many others have put it, he's "gone too soon." Yet, he would've still been enduring the pain and heartache from all the insults being hurled at him left and right and gossip surrounding him if he were still alive. As someone put it in their speech at the memorial service, "He's now in a place where "there's no hurt or sorrow"".
Since Michael Jackson's memorial service, I've already personally seen one instance in which Michael's spirit hasn't died. Just the other day, our two older grandsons and Micaiah's ex came down to visit us for the afternoon and for a barbecue. I don't know how it got started, but we were talking about something and I made a reference to Michael Jackson. I didn't realize that my eldest grandson, who is five years old, had heard me. The next thing I knew, he told Micaiah and I excitedly that he could do a Michael Jackson dance. He started walking backwards, which is one of the basic moves of the Moon Walk, and then spun and jumped around. I didn't know at that moment whether to laugh or cry, as I was remembering that I was only thirteen years old when Michael Jackson did that. It's been many years now, but it's as if it just happened yesterday. I've told a few other people who were twenty years younger than me about those "Thriller" moments. Like our five-year-old grandson, they didn't quite understand what those moments were like as I relived the moments through my stories. Still, it's fun to tell my stories. In fact, I even told our grandson that he and I would have to sit down someday and listen to Michael Jackson while I told him my stories. Whether that opportunity will arise or not, I don't know, but telling him that sounded good to me. I'm sure that there'll be many more like our grandson who will imitate Michael's singing and/or dancing in years to come. AT least, I hope so.
Linda (Makedah bat Leah).
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